A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?’

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never
learn!

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Laugh a little

An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Looking Old
————————-

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And
Thinking,

“surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore
His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The
Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,
However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too
Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He
Had Attended Morgan Park High School

“yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.

“when Did You Graduate?” I Asked.

He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”

“you Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat,
Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “what Did You Teach?”

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The second joke of today

Notice to All EMS Personnel
————————-

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative
vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”
g.. The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.”
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws
up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.

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Sex Problems
————————-

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“And how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

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White Zinfandel

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.

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Butt Measurement
————————-

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the  man
looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting
really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than  the
barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the  grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two  inches
wider than the barbecue!!!” The woman chose to
ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.  He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this  big-ass
grill for one little weenie?”

Chapped Lips
————————-

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where
the sun don’t shine.  An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

“Whudd’ya do that fer?” he asked.

“Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, “Does that help?”

The cowboy said, “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ‘em.”