All Jokes
Blond is Blond
Thermos
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A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde, “that’s amazing… I’m going to buy it!” So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who
is also blonde, saw it on her desk.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,”
she replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” said the boss, “what do you have in it?”
“Two Popsicles and some coffee.”
Cats +25 Dogs -25
Cat Quotes
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“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” -
-Dave Platt
“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your computer.” –Bruce
Graham
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
breakfast.” –Unknown
“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” –Anonymous
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats
to pull a sled through the snow.” –Jeff Valdez
“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” –
English proverb
“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” –
Ellen Perry Berkeley
“One cat just leads to another.” –Ernest Hemmingway
Scan this code to see a very happy cat
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message
and get back to you later.” –Mary Bly
“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of
one who suffered from insomnia.” –Joseph Wood Krutch
“People that hate cats, will come back as mice in
their next life.” –Faith Resnick
“There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats.” –Anonymous
“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” –Hippolyte
Taine
“No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats
are there to welcome me.” –Unknown
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
life: music and cats.” –Albert Schweitzer
“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” –
Ernest Menaul
“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
God.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” –Colette
“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and
cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities
as well.” –Missy Dizick
“You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats.” –Colonial American
proverb
“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
any harm to ask for what you want.” –Joseph Wood
Krutch
“I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic”
“My husband said it was either him or the cat … I
miss him sometimes.”
“Dogs have owners….cats have a staff”.
Believe it or not
Scientific Fact
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese……
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Letter of Recommendation
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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”
The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, “Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied.”
Woman 1, Men 1
Woman’s Quote of the Day:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
What old age can do to you!!!!. That is why I forgot to place a joke yesterday
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
Thermos
————————-
A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde, “that’s amazing… I’m going to buy it!” So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who
is also blonde, saw it on her desk.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,”
she replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” said the boss, “what do you have in it?”
“Two Popsicles and some coffee.”
Here everything takes forever with 10 000 man and 20 000 supervising staff
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, “What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, “Thats the Gladesville Bridge”.
“Hmmph” said the Texan, “How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, “About 5 years with 1000 men.”
The Texan replied, “Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men.”
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. “What’s that” said the Texan. “That’s the Sydney Opera House” was the reply.
“Hmmph” said the Texan, “How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, “About 10 years with 200 men”. The Texan replied “Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men.”
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, “Wow! What’s that?”
The Australian Engineer replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
How do you weigh a woman??????
Weighing a Pig
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A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm
to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then
begins to select a pig. “How about that one?”
“OK,” replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s
tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, “This
one weighs 74 pounds.”
“That`s amazing,” the man says, “Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight
by using that method?”
“Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for
generations.” To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale
and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
“My son can do it, too,” boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer’s son
comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then
says, “This one weighs 83 pounds.” The farmer then confirms his sons`
accuracy with the scale.
“My wife can do it, too,” says the farmer. “Son, go get your mother.”
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. “Mom can`t
come out right now,” says the son. “She`s busy weighing the mailman.”
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We warned you!!!
He does not think much about his sister
Strangers
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I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
“How would you feel,” I asked, “if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn’t you be a bit scared?”
“Nah,” one boy answered, “I’d just figure it was my sister’s date.”
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